The Disappearing Act

The small gains and great losses of an adult anorexic.

Anonymous asked: Number 36 (tattoos/piercings you have) and 59 (your strange phobias).

#36

Tattoos:  open hearts on my chest, perfume bottle on my left arm, diamonds and roses on my left arm, 1940s singer sewing machine on my left arm, logo of punk band X on my left wrist, john willie’s “anatomy of the 6” heel” on my inner left arm, medical diagram of a ribcage deformed by tightlacing on my inner left arm, roman numeral for the number 21 in my left armpit, roman numeral for the number 24 in my right armpit, latin text on the front of my right arm, portrait of my father at age 21 on my right forearm, guild of calamitous intent (venture brothers) insignia below my right elbow, sisters of mercy crescent on my outer right wrist, theban alphabet lettering and cloud on my inner right wrist, the word “modern” on the inside of my lower lip, two keys on my left ribcage, a date and text on my upper left ribcage, a keyhole and text on my sternum, gun from the film blade runner with the words “too bad she won’t live… but then again, who does?” (last line of the film) on my right hip, Vulcan pinup girl with Starfleet Command insignia on my left hip (star trek), the head of Bender from Futurama on my right buttcheek (no, i am not joking), the immaculate heart of mary on my back right hip, memorial-style pinup profile on my left shoulder blade with the word “skin”, a skeletal version of the same pinup on my right shoulder blade with the word “deep”.

piercings:  only my ears, twice in each, and a long-sealed septum piercing.  i dont really like piercings.  i have no interest in them and do not plan on any others in my lifetime.

#59: i have very few fears.  the only phobias i can honestly pinpoint are, i suppose, quite strange.  #1:  i am deathly afraid of people who want to be my friend or want to be close to me.  it is honestly the most frightening thing in the world in my mind.  and #2:  my boyfriend cheating on me with a beautiful fan or a former lover.  this one is much more understandable, as i have been cheated on by everyone i have ever shared a serious relationship with, and due to my current partner being famous AND a sex symbol of sorts, this is a legitimate fear. 

Can I have one day, one single moment, where I dont wish that I were dead?

When I don’t obsess over what might be the most painless form of suicide?  I dont know what I am supposed to do.  Nothing gets better.  Everything feels worse, all the time.  My “prayer” every night is to not wake up the next morning.  To simply fall asleep and cease to be…. What kind of an existence is this?

lliminal:

bloodmilk:

charmaineolivia:

little hug

bloodmilk ‘seance cuff’

I’d be on this in a heartbeat if I thought it’d actually fit my wrist.NOTHING fits my wrists. They’re far too tiny. 

make friends with your local jeweler, doll.  mine is just one stop away on the uptown 6 and makes all of my rings and bracelets fit the miniscule bones of my extremities like a DREAM.

lliminal:

bloodmilk:

charmaineolivia:

little hug

bloodmilk ‘seance cuff’

I’d be on this in a heartbeat if I thought it’d actually fit my wrist.
NOTHING fits my wrists. They’re far too tiny. 

make friends with your local jeweler, doll.  mine is just one stop away on the uptown 6 and makes all of my rings and bracelets fit the miniscule bones of my extremities like a DREAM.

hank063 asked: Are you the one that asked me to remove the pics of Rachel? I actually knew her from Prettythin. I hope she finds happiness but she was so very thin and I'm afraid she will one day want to go back to weighing less than 70lbs. The feeling of emaciation is so very hard to overcome because it feels so sickly wonderful being 'the lightest one'.

she is currently maintaining her recovery and her happiness.  she is a truly inspiring success story and an example of the intense strength of body and mind that it requires to overcome this severe mental illness. 

truth.  remove the picture of a beautiful model and youve got my entire mindset.

truth.  remove the picture of a beautiful model and youve got my entire mindset.

(via tilltheboneshows)

elegantpsychosis:

alecto:

doriandawes:

thebleachworks:

“McCandless was especially attentive to Burres, flirting and clowning with her at every opportunity.”
^^^Weird how accurate that sounds.

“This cage will be illuminated night and day, and you will be locked in it.”
Okay then.

“You’re ugly,” said the boy. “You look like a pig in a sty.”
…well jeez hahaha

“‘I have lured them to Bainbridge with the news of my new prodigy’s arrival, and they are most desirous of seeing you play.’”
what, am i part of the Ophelia Gallery or something? 

"the woman’s costume should resemble a nun’s habit, which is still worn in many parts of the world." 

this is so hilariously apt, as ive recently had a latex nun’s habit made for myself in response to a bit of a fetish that i believe EH may have.  well see how he reacts.

elegantpsychosis:

alecto:

doriandawes:

thebleachworks:

“McCandless was especially attentive to Burres, flirting and clowning with her at every opportunity.”

^^^Weird how accurate that sounds.

“This cage will be illuminated night and day, and you will be locked in it.”

Okay then.

“You’re ugly,” said the boy. “You look like a pig in a sty.”

…well jeez hahaha

“‘I have lured them to Bainbridge with the news of my new prodigy’s arrival, and they are most desirous of seeing you play.’”

what, am i part of the Ophelia Gallery or something? 

"the woman’s costume should resemble a nun’s habit, which is still worn in many parts of the world." 

this is so hilariously apt, as ive recently had a latex nun’s habit made for myself in response to a bit of a fetish that i believe EH may have.  well see how he reacts.

(Source: loveclaire)

Why Not? If you'd like to improve my awful week, Ask away.

  • 1: Full name
  • 2: Zodiac sign
  • 3: 3 Fears
  • 4: 3 things I love
  • 5: 4 turns on
  • 6: 4 turns off
  • 7: My best friend
  • 8: Sexual orientation
  • 9: My best first date
  • 10: How tall am I
  • 11: What do I miss
  • 12: What time were I born
  • 13: Favourite color
  • 14: Do I have a crush
  • 15: Favourite quote
  • 16: Favourite place
  • 17: Favourite food
  • 18: Do I use sarcasm
  • 19: What am I listening to right now
  • 20: First thing I notice in new person
  • 21: Shoe size
  • 22: Eye color
  • 23: Hair color
  • 24: Favourite style of clothing
  • 25: Ever done a prank call?
  • 26: What colour of underwear I'm wearing now?
  • 27: Meaning behind my URL
  • 28: Favourite movie
  • 29: Favourite song
  • 30: Favourite band
  • 31: How I feel right now
  • 32: Someone I love
  • 33: My current relationship status
  • 34: My relationship with my parents
  • 35: Favourite holiday
  • 36: Tattoos and piercing i have
  • 37: Tattoos and piercing i want
  • 38: The reason I joined Tumblr
  • 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?
  • 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
  • 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
  • 42: When did I last hold hands?
  • 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
  • 44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?
  • 45: Where am I right now?
  • 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
  • 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
  • 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
  • 49: Am I excited for anything?
  • 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
  • 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?
  • 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?
  • 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?
  • 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
  • 55: What is something I disliked about today?
  • 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
  • 57: What do I think about most?
  • 58: What’s my strangest talent?
  • 59: Do I have any strange phobias?
  • 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
  • 61: What was the last lie I told?
  • 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
  • 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
  • 64: Do I believe in magic?
  • 65: Do I believe in luck?
  • 66: What's the weather like right now?
  • 67: What was the last book I've read?
  • 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?
  • 69: Do I have any nicknames?
  • 70: What was the worst injury I've ever had?
  • 71: Do I spend money or save it?
  • 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?
  • 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?
  • 74: Favourite animal?
  • 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
  • 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?
  • 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
  • 78: How can you win my heart?
  • 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
  • 80: What is my favorite word?
  • 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr
  • 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
  • 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?
  • 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?
  • 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
  • 86: What is my current desktop picture?
  • 87: Had sex?
  • 88: Bought condoms?
  • 89: Gotten pregnant?
  • 90: Failed a class?
  • 91: Kissed a boy?
  • 92: Kissed a girl?
  • 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
  • 94: Had job?
  • 95: Left the house without my wallet?
  • 96: Bullied someone on the internet?
  • 97: Had sex in public?
  • 98: Played on a sports team?
  • 99: Smoked weed?
  • 100: Did drugs?
  • 101: Smoked cigarettes?
  • 102: Drank alcohol?
  • 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
  • 104: Been overweight?
  • 105: Been underweight?
  • 106: Been to a wedding?
  • 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
  • 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
  • 109: Been outside my home country?
  • 110: Gotten my heart broken?
  • 111: Been to a professional sports game?
  • 112: Broken a bone?
  • 113: Cut myself?
  • 114: Been to prom?
  • 115: Been in airplane?
  • 116: Fly by helicopter?
  • 117: What concerts have I been to?
  • 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
  • 119: Learned another language?
  • 120: Wore make up?
  • 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?
  • 122: Had oral sex?
  • 123: Dyed my hair?
  • 124: Voted in a presidential election?
  • 125: Rode in an ambulance?
  • 126: Had a surgery?
  • 127: Met someone famous?
  • 128: Stalked someone on a social network?
  • 129: Peed outside?
  • 130: Been fishing?
  • 131: Helped with charity?
  • 132: Been rejected by a crush?
  • 133: Broken a mirror?
  • 134: What do I want for birthday?
  • 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?
  • 136: Was I named after anyone?
  • 137: Do I like my handwriting?
  • 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?
  • 139: Favourite Tv Show?
  • 140: Where do I want to live when older?
  • 141: Play any musical instrument?
  • 142: One of my scars, how did I get it?
  • 143: Favourite pizza toping?
  • 144: Am I afraid of the dark?
  • 145: Am I afraid of heights?
  • 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?
  • 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?
  • 148: What I'm really bad at
  • 149: What my greatest achievments are
  • 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me
  • 151: What I'd do if I won in a lottery
  • 152: What do I like about myself
  • 153: My closest Tumblr friend
  • 154: Something I fantasise about
  • 155: Any question you'd like